• The person may lie to you obviously or stealthily. When they are called out on their lies, the person will deny it and try to shift the blame.
  • “I did not do that.”
  • “[This person] is really mean to me.” (This lie could be to isolate you from your support system.)

• They may act confused. They may pretend to not understand what you have said. They could also not listen to what you are saying. They may also shut you down when you are trying to talk to them about something.
  • “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
  • “We are not talking about that.”
  • “What are you even talking about?”
  • “I don’t remember that.”

• The person may change the story or discredit your version of it. You may approach them about something they did, but they will deny it. This goes together with lying. They could say something like:
  • “That didn’t happen”
  • “You are remembering it wrong”
  • “You are making things up.”
  • “It was actually…remember?”

This is not the same as remembering things differently! This is where they shift what has happened. Usually, the new version makes them look better.

• They might say things to other people to discredit you or change how people see you. This can also show up as discrediting your relationships with others. The person may say someone said negative things about you when they did not or that you said something negative about someone else when you did not.
  • “Oh, [your name] is crazy.”
  • “You won’t believe what [your name] says about you.”
  • “[Your name] has been saying…about you. I don’t know why they would say such mean things.”

• The person may minimize your emotions, thoughts, or experiences. They do not validate your feelings or brush off your emotions.
  • “It is not that big of a deal.”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “I don’t know why you are so upset.”

• Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they may blame you or someone (or thing) else.
  • “If you hadn’t…, I wouldn’t have…”
  • “It’s your fault.”
  • “If you weren’t such a…, I wouldn’t have…”
  • “I was upset from work.”

• When the person is called out, they may say really loving things to get out of the situation.
  • “I would never hurt you on purpose. I love you.”
  • “I love you so much. I just get upset sometimes.”
  • “You are the only one for me. I didn’t mean it.”

• When faced with a difficult conversation about something they did to hurt you, they may shift your attention to something else. They bring the focus away from the situation at hand and begin talking about something else. This may impact how you view the situation and convince you that it is not important if they will not talk to you about it.
  • “You didn’t tell me how your day was. How was your day?”
  • “We did not finish talking about…”